survive now so we can live later
by holbyclover
Summary: i am sooooooooooooo sorry i havn't updated in ages. this is set 6 years on from emmas diagnosis. this is also where my initial idea for the story starts to appear. please read and review to help me improve this and to know what to keep the same and just your general thoughts. they bring a smile to my face, which i really could do with right now. thanky you and i hope you like it xx
1. Chapter 1

**HEYY! This is a massive miracle. I have thought of a way to start up 'this was her purpose' fic as a sequel. You may just have to imagine that everyone is around 36/37 now instead, sorry.**

**I really need a new title, but one which fits as well. I will do you a deal: you give me a title and if I choose your it, I will use your idea (if you come up with one) and make you a character within the fic as well as say a special thanks. I apologise if that sounds a little cheeky but I am desperate. I hope you like it. Xx**

It had been 6 eventful years since Emma's diagnosis and the little family were as great as great could be. Jac and Jonny were now engaged. Jonny had finally proposed to Jac on the highest cliff in Scotland. He had left an exhausted 4 year old Emma with his parents and taken Jac for a late night walk, promising her the most beautiful sight. The winter breeze had been cool, biting at their noses and the sky was so clear you see the Milky Way in all its colourful glory. They had somehow fallen into conversation about marriage after Jonny's mum had brought up the subject.

The young Scotsman had been thinking of proposing to the love of his life and had actually bought a beautiful emerald ring, he had said it complimented her bright emerald eyes. It was just the getting- down- on- one- knee part that was holding him back. Finally though, he had plucked up the courage and asked her on the cliff under the star lit skies. There was no fuss, no drama, and no one knee. He looked into her eyes and was surprised at his lack of nerves. Jac had looked back at him and he finally spoke the 4 little words. Jac had been speechless for only amillisecond. She matched his simplicity with a small nod of her head and a sweet kiss.

Now here they were, dropping Emma off at the overly-sized infant school for her first day in year 1. The parents walked each side of their little girl both grasping onto her tiny fingers. Because of Emma's Progaria the medical professionals had a teaching assistant to be with Emma most the time.

The little girl had already had her fair share of experience with bullies because of the way she looked. Emma never got in trouble for retaliating because she very really ever did. It was Jac who taught her to turn the other cheek. One day, however, it had got too much for her. She had seen her parents crying to each other, curled up on the sofa because she had asked about why she looked different. Jac and Jonny had tried to explain as best they could, but how on earth was any parent supposed to tell their child that they may never live to b an adult. To be restricted to a life only of childhood. The little girl began to get wound up and frustrated and Jonny was worried that she was going to hurt herself. The parents had resorted to calling Mo and Michael to help explain, which was still understandably hard for the little girls aunt and uncle.

That day at nursery one of the kids had asked her why was her auntie and uncle bringing her followed up by a remark that 'her mummy and daddy didn't like her because she was ugly'. The little spiteful girl who said this was met with an almighty pull on her short blond hair. Jac and Jonny were disappointed with their child's behaviour but didn't take it any further than saying it was wrong.

"Right, be good, work hard and if any of the other kids give you grief just ignore them because they are just jealous of how pretty and smart and lucky you are, ok. Daddy and I love you!" Jac said, kissing her grown up girl on the head. Emma responded with a small nod and a great big smile plastered to her cheeks. She hugged her parents' legs tightly and took hold of Miss Lindsey's hand. Shouting "I love you" to her parents over her shoulder, she walked away.

Jonny wrapped his strong arm protectively around Jac as they watched her walk into school.

"You ok?" Jonny asked Jac into her ear. He knew how she felt, he was worried too.

"I'm fine" she spoke softly. Jonny didn't seem convinced so she backed it up with a smile and a quick kiss before they walked back to the brand new, shiny silver Car.

The drive to the hospital was a quiet one. The couple sat in a companionable silence, thinking about how their daughter was getting on. The pair was astounded by how mature and understanding Emma was. Jonny was aware that she had caught them crying on a regular basis and she never questioned them or asked them to stop, knowing it was ok to cry sometimes. Jac had argued only as long as if it is for the right reasons, thinking about all the times she had cried because of her past, letting all the people who abused her win.

Jonny knew all about what happened to Jac from the moment when she was born right up to the present day and Jac knew the same about Jonny. It turned out that they weren't that different with both having suffered bad upbringings, albeit in varied ways, with Jonny's parents showing more of an interest in his brother than him. He had run away when he was 16, ridding himself from his father's obvious show of favouritism.

Jonny parked up the car in his usual space. He turned the growling engine off before turning to look at Jac. He studied her before deciding to intercept the all-consuming quietness inside the vehicle.

"She will be ok you know. She is strong and she has Becca and Rosie to play with and talk to as well as Miss Lindsey." He spoke reassuringly to his fiancé.

"I know. She just looked a bit upset this morning. I don't want to sound horrible like I enjoy seeing her suffering but… sometimes, I just wish she would cry or talk to us. Do you ever feel like that?"

"All the time. I am forever guessing what goes on through her head. ..Come on, let's go inside. If we wait any longer we're going to be late… oops spoke too soon." He corrected himself as he looked at his watch. Jac let out a little laugh before opening her door.

She stepped out and met Jonny round the front. She waited until he had locked the car before threading her arm through his and together, they made their way into the hospital.

As they reached Darwin they went straight into the locker room to change into scrubs. As Jac took off her casual top to change into her scrub top Jonny approached her from behind. He kissed her shoulder gently as he spoke,

"Your body is amazing" he placed another gentle kiss on her neck.

"I know what you're doing and it's not going to work. We do actually have patients to see"

"Oh well, we're all going to die sooner or later I'm sure they can last half an hour"

"Well, as medical professionals it's our job to make sure they die later rather than sooner. Now come on you're making us even more late than we actually are." Jac protested one final time before slipping her top over her head and walking briskly out of the room...

"Suit yourself you moody –"Jonny began to mutter under his breath but stopped himself as she walked back in.

"Forgot my stethoscope" she Said with a smirk on her face, registering what he was about to say.

**THANK YOU! I hope this was ok. Please review with more ideas and helpful criticism. Remember what I said at the top and when I update will probably depend on if I get titles etc. Xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**HEYY! I have been told by a friend at school (who reads my stories) a good title that fits well with the outcome of the story. So, thank you so much Charlie. Thank you for all the reviews I got, they really kept me happy when I was ill this week. I hope you enjoy this next chapter and I bet you can guess I found the thesaurus tool on word haha. Xx**

Jonny looked admiringly at his fiancé as she slept, drinking in all of her striking features. She looked so peaceful when she was asleep, he mused. She was free from all of the torment of the devils dancing in her head and bleeding into her dreams. There was no icy scowl that she usually wore and he finally had the chance to admire her for all she is, with the added bonus of not being accused of staring. Jonny gently moved a tress of her soft, fiery red hair out of her face as she stirred.

"Hey beautiful" he said softly to her as he stroked her cheek tenderly. Jac only got the chance to brush his lips with hers before they were interrupted as Emma came into their room, clinging tightly to her chest. Time seemed like it was going in slow motion as it took them a second to realise that something was really badly wrong. Jac leaped out of the bed immediately and scooped her daughter up into her arms.

The young girl was gasping for breath, choking and spluttering. Jac was doing all she could to comfort her little girl but nothing could hide the shear panic and worry displayed in her eyes.

"I can't breathe mummy!" Emma's innocent voice pleaded. The words were muffled as she buried her wet face into her mother's warm body.

"It's ok. You just need to calm down, take deep breaths" Jac spoke to her softly trying to figure out another cause opposed to the one she was desperately trying to disprove. Jonny was speaking rapidly down the phone relaying details to Mo at the hospital.

"Emma, sweetie, I know this is hard but I need you to answer some questions" Jonny said, unsuccessfully trying to stay calm. Jac felt her nod against her chest so gave Jonny a nod in reply. Jacs eyes glazed with tears as she kissed Emma's bold head.

"Is your chest tight?" she nodded

"Does your tummy, back, neck, jaw or arms hurt too" another frantic nod was given as the pain shooting through her tiny body got worse.

"Do you feel dizzy" there was no response as Jac cut in.

"Jonny, please can we just take her to hospital we're not doing any good wasting time!" Jac urged. Jonny didn't reply as he put the phone down on his bed and threw on a pair of yesterday's old jeans. He scooped Emma up out of Jac's arms and rushed down the stairs and into the car. After grabbing hers and Emma's coats the distraught mother was quick to follow Jonny. The lost doctor jumped hurriedly into the back of the car where she instantly took Emma into her arms, holding the young girl as she cried and giving her all the comfort she could.

Seeing her baby like this made Jac wish she could take all of her child's pain away. Plenty of parents had told her that they would die for their child and she just thought every time, that in the face of it, no they wouldn't. However, that was before she had her own flesh and blood to love and care for. If she could take away all things devastating and limiting from her daughter she would not hesitate to do so. She would diminish her life span, give up everything she had worked for and done in her life to make sure her little girl was safe and well and happy.

Jac was sure Jonny felt that way too. He was the best father any little girl could ask for. He was fun and would play with her for hours on end, running around with her in the park, pushing her on the swings. He spent every living second thinking and admiring either his miracle daughter or his amazing family.

The journey to the hospital went in a frightful blur. Jac was desperately trying to keep Emma calm and comfortable while Jonny was breaking every road law standing. As they arrived at the hospital Mo and Elliot stood anticipating the arrival of the family and their niece and granddaughter as Sacha waited to give the support to Jac and Jonny if they needed it.

Sacha knew Jac would probably be in pieces after this. She was comfortable with showing emotion in front of Jonny but he knew that, because Jonny would be feeling the same, she would not burden him with wiping away her tears. Jac was quick to escape the Confines of the car with Emma enfolded in her arms as Jonny went to park the car somewhere safe and out of the way of possible incoming ambulances.

The little girl was taken out of Jacs arms and the surgeon was enveloped in Sacha's. For once the ice maiden responded to sacha's hug, needing the support. The average age of death for people with Progaria syndrome was just a mere 13 years old, Emma's chances being severely reduced due to the lasting complications of her now removed CDH. Jac buried her head into Sacha's chest, not wanting to look at her baby girl being whisked away.

They stood embraced waiting for Jonny to come. It felt like forever and day before he did, but in real time was only under a minute. Jac and Jonny instantly started making their way frantically up the stairs to where their child lay, Sacha following slowly behind.

The parents froze just inside the doors of Darwin. This sight was one that no parent should witness. Jonny grabbed hold of Jacs hand. He was squeezing hard but Jac was oblivious and so was he. Mo was stood over their child giving chest compressions. The doctors' faces were glum as they frantically tried to bring the little girl back.

It was obvious that there was no hope for the child; they were fighting for a lost cause. The medical professionals all gave solemn nod as the chest compressions stopped.

The world came crashing back down on Jac. She wrenched her hands out of Jonny's grip and ran over to the little side bay. Nurses tried to stop her from going in, not wanting her to witness the horrible sight. Jac was having none of it. She pushed the poor nurse aside and walked quickly into the room.

Elliot was saying she shouldn't be in here and to wait in the relative's room, but she didn't want to. She needed to tell her daughter it was ok. The mother paced to the side of the bed and kneeling down, she took her babies had in hers.

"It's ok Em, I know it's been hard and everything will only get harder. You can go now, you can go and be released from all your pain, get rid of all those bullies for good. Mummy and daddy love you very much and we don't want you to suffer. We will think about you every day. You're our baby girl and it's our honour to do the best thing for you. So you can go now, you don't have to hold on anymore" tears were streaming down jacs face as she placed a gentle kiss on her little girls head.

The heart monitor that was attached to Emma was switched off. There was a land bang as Jonny came crashing into their room.

"Jac. Jac she's not…she can't…no!" he stutted, unable to face the fact his daughter was dead. Jac looked up at him and gave him a pitying look. Slowly standing up, she took Jonny into her arms. The parents sobbed together beside the body of their child.

The now childless parents had made their way to the relative's room to get some peace and quiet. Time to think about the bereavement they had just gone through. It all seemed evenly unfair to everyone.

A child who has lost a parent is called an orphan

A person who has lost a partner is called a widow

But there is no word to describe the loss of a child. The pain and unfairness of it is too much to give a name.

"She can't have gone. It's not supposed to be like this. We were supposed to die first not her. Not my little girl" Jonny cried as the couple sat in a tight embrace.

"I know. But we knew her chances Jonny. This was her time to go, and however unfairly young she was, we have to accept that. Be grateful she lived her life happily"

"she didn't though did she. I'm not just grieving for her but for you too" Jac shook her head

"why?" she suppressed a sob

"£because you didn't spend enough time with her. You missed it when she was a baby, doing everything for the first time and that was my fault. You should have spent more time together." He spoke looking into her bright emerald eyes.

"When are you ever going to let that go? I didn't need to be there for all her firsts. I spent plenty of time with her and just because she has gone doesn't mean we still can't do that."

**THANK YOU! Sorry for the ending it was a bit rushed because I was running out of time. The next chapter should be up soon please review. Xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**HEYY! Firstly I would like to apologise for the time between updates, it's been eons. Don't want to make excuses but I have been lacking motivation (I guess that's just a fancy way of saying couldn't be bothered, however I honestly had o ideas!) SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SOOOOOOOOO SORRY! Anyway, on twitter it seems like no one likes Jonny but I love him I was almost in tears last week haha, please tell me you lot like him as well. AND JAC AND JONNY ARE BACK TOGETHER [squeals at top of lungs] any way I hope you enjoy this chapter please leave a review! Xx**

The sombre party of medical professionals departed the grand church, into the afternoon Autumn sun. The grieving forms encased in dark clothing were slowly making their way to the pristine cars to be taken to the pub for the wake of the little girl. There was a general buzz of chatter amongst the mourners of how the funeral had gone. Many looks of pity had been passed to the couple all the way through as they gripped tightly onto their partners hand. It wasn't the actual burial that upset Jonny the most, it was the speeches; the amount of lives that little girl had touched during her few years was startling. It was a clear show of just how friendly and trusting she really was.

Jonny's mother, Elspeth, approached the couple from behind, gently placing her hand on her sons shoulder. They turned around and responded to the old woman's pitying look with a sad smile on their tear stained cheeks.

Elspeth looked Jac and Jonny in turn in the eye as she told them what she believed,

"Everyone in life has a purpose" she began "although that beautiful granddaughter of mine had the potential to become a smart, successful young woman, and in turn a wonderful mother. I don't think she ever was supposed to live past this point" she paused as she witnessed the look of ill hidden disgust dance across their faces at the way she spoke about their deceased little girl. "However, I believe that she was brought to you to bring you together, so you are happy to share things with one another and so you have created the happiest environment…" Elspeth paused as she thought "I shall not say any more, it is not my place" she spoke mysteriously as she walked away.

Jac and Jonny shared a bemused look as they watched Elspeth carry on slowly following the party of friends and – well their friends were their family.

"Sorry, she says she can talk to and see late people, once she ended up making this old woman cry because she had just lost her husband and they had been together since high school" Jonny apologised worried his well-meaning mother may have upset his fiancé. She gave a short laugh in spite of the situation.

With Jonny's arm protectively around his fiancé they slowly padded in a dazed silence over to the bench by Emma's newly dug grave.

Just the tiny size of it reminded them of how devastatingly young she was. Jac leant into Jonny and tucked her head into his neck unable to look anymore. She heard the Scotsman sniff, forcing himself to be strong for his woman but Jac knew he needed reassurance as well. She looked up and changed positions so that she was the one holding him; that's when he broke down.

"I miss her so much and it's not even been a week" he sobbed into her body Jac held him tighter as he clutched to her top. Jac could feel his tears drenching her shoulder. She leant down a kissed his head, encouraging him to carry on. "I keep expecting her to come bounding through the living room with her friends like she had only gone for a sleepover"

"I know and it's so hard" jacs id. She understood.

They sat on the bench for a while longer before their shared salty tears ceased to flow. Jonny had his arm around Jac's shoulders and Jac had hers around his torso, both receiving the comfort they needed purely by the others presence. The thoughtful quietness that had descended upon the pair was broke into by Jonny suddenly speaking concernedly to Jac.

"You're cold" he spoke, trying to rub some warmth into her arm.

"It is a bit chilly" she responded.

"c'mon, we need to go to the wake, everyone'll be thinking we've jumped In the grave after her" Jonny joked hoping to put a smile on her face, however it had the opposite affect and she burst into tears. Jonny enveloped her into his arms, whispering condolences in her ear.

"I promised I wouldn't leave her, I promised!" she spoke distraughtly into her chest, "why did she have to go?" she asked more softly, needing the answers but of course no one could give.

"Hey!" Jonny spoke firmly to her as he held her at arm's length and looking to make eye contact, "she didn't leave us, she will always be here with us as long as we talk and think about her every day and do as she would want us to do. She never did and never will leave us. She is our miracle baby. Okay?" Jac gave a dejected nod, believing his words but still not being able to comprehend that she could never carry her baby to bed again.

"Let's go" Jonny said as he took her hand in his and together they walked to the wake.

**THANK YOU! Sorry I know after all this time and this is a really short chapter but this is all the time I have for this if I want to get it up tonight. I'll try and update again sometime this week. SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SOOOOOOOOO SORRY!**


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